Went to the science center, today, with Evan and his brother Aston and his girlfriend Yuka. It sounded like a really fun time in our heads, but once we got there we realizes that we aren't 10 anymore and none of the exhibits that are geared for adults were open. Boo on that.

So again, I try to come up with a plan that will keep my mind off of the issue at hand and I fail miserably. Damnit.

But now Aston and Yuka have gone home and Evan's at an appointment and once I'm left alone for a few hours to think and clear my mind and once again I'm overwhelmed by how freaking Sad I am. And I don't know why, really. As awful as that sounds. And it does sound awful, doesn't it? But here's the thing: I love my life right now. As dissatisfied by certain parts of it as I am, I would not change a single part of it. So why, then, do I get so sad with all of these stupid anniversaries and just burrow their way into my soul and I find it hard to catch my breath?

Part of it, at least right now, is a side effect of trying to be there for Liza dealing with Simon's death. Reading her entries is like reliving losing Danny all over again, and it's getting harder and harder to keep up this cool facade of being okay and well adjusted and "moved on". Like I said, I love the life that I have now and I have a hard time even impinging how I would react if I were to wake up tomorrow and things would be as if he hadn't died. I feel so selfish for that. I do miss him so much, but not in the way where I want him back anymore. I think this might make me an awful person. I can't really tell anymore.

I'm sure none of this is really making any sort of coherent sense. I'm really just rambling on in an attempt to keep myself from crying like an idiot over a man that died almost three years ago. That is more than enough time to move forward and to be unphased by such things. Right?

It's easier to deal with these things when Evan's home. Mostly because I feel bad talking about it with him. I know that he doesn't mind and he encourages me to do so, but it just feels...off...to do so and so I don't. And not talking about it makes it easier to distract my mind and therefore I don't think about it and then everything is right in the world because I don't have to worry about these pesky emotions getting in the way of my life.

I think I was meant to be a Vulcan. Things would be So much easier, ha.

Last year at this time, Evan and I had just started dating. When I went into Ellwood for Danny and I's usual lunch date I explained the situation to the air in front of his grave (because that's what you do), and I asked for a sign that he was okay with everything and that everything was going to be alright. When I got home I had an email waiting for me in my inbox. It was from his father, but as Danny was a Junior, his name was showing in the "From" column. When I opened it, it was a message from his dad saying that they had heard about Evan and I, and were happy for us, going do far as to say that it was "destiny" and that they were sure that we had Danny's blessing. I figured that was as good a sign as any, and thinking of it still gives me comfort whenever I get the guilts and worry that I'm being disrespectful by being This in love with my dead fiance's best friend.

So maybe that's what I should focus on whenever I feel this shitty and that outpouring of emotion is pushing against my well defined barriers. That Danny had a plan in all this, and this is how it was supposed to be. Or something.

Or maybe I'm just crazy and repressed and should let myself have a good cry. :-/