Sign Church sign for the week: "To prevent burning, use 'son' block." How witty.


I woke up this morning and went "shit fuck damn what did I do?"

I mean, it's not like a Livejournal community is that important, really, but like I said--entire basis of socialization there, and no matter how shitty I end up feeling sometimes (often?) based on the opinions expressed therein, I do have fun and I do enjoy it. I'm more anxious now than I was then, but what's done is done, so yeah. Bah. I wonder if this is what withdrawls feel like, ha. Maybe I'm addicted and didn't realize it. Interesting concept.

Highly possible.

Still, considering my mental health or lack thereof as of late, it is prolly for the best. I have enough stress and issues with myself that I really don't need any help from outside influences. Evan had mentioned this to me weeks ago and I shrugged him off, but really he's prolly right and it really isn't fair to have these little freak outs on him only to have him say "Where do you get these ideas?" and have to answer "...Livejournal" (because he does't know the specifics so it's easier to generalize) and then have him sigh and say "You need to stop spending so much time online".

Sigh.

I really am that pathetic, huh? Ha.


We're going out with some of Evan's friends from his massage school. I'm minorly freaking out a bit over it, if only because they're a rather intimidating group in that "been friends for years and therefore have all kinds of inside jokes and conversations that I'll never understand" way. I've only ever hung out with them twice before and neither time I felt comfortable or really welcome. We're going to Mad Mex for "Big Azz Margaritas" so ordinarially I'd at least be able to get a bit lubricated which would help but being that Evan can't drive (officially, now. He finally got in to see a Doctor after a ridiculous amount of running around trying to get his perscription filled--she's reporting it to the state so most likely they'll be sending a letter for his license soon) I'm DD so that's off the table (and tequilla is really not the best thing for me to drink period, never the less when I'm uncomfortable, so it's prolly for the best). But one of my goals with my therapist is to be more social and not be so freaked out at the idea of meeting new people and making friends (did I mention I went? That was an interesting experience. I never realized how awful my past sounds until I had to lay my entire life out in the span of an hour to give her a basic idea of how crazy I am. Lovely), so I suppose this is part of that.

Ugh. I really don't want to go, though. I promised Evan I would so I will, but yeah. Would rather not. Bah.


Random: Chai tea is awesome. And redundant seeing as how "chai" means "tea". Unfortunately I need to remember that chai tea Lattes have milk in them and, as I don't specify skim cos I have a strong dislike for anyone who says "skinny" while odering freaking coffee, it's prolly whole milk, too. I don't feel so good.


I can't wait till tomorrow. The only thing we have even tenitively planned is to perhaps visit Evan's uncle who has been in the hospital for quite a few weeks, now (but has finally been moved out of ICU--we weren't able to see him before cos the nurses got pissy about people visiting--even his wife was pretty much banished) and I'd like to get around to calling Beth back at some point since it seems she's now stationed back in the US (yay!). But yeah, I'm not planning on getting out of bed till at least noon.

Okay, maybe 11.

1030. I'll stay in bed till 1030. At least. And it will be spectacular seeing as how I've had to wake up before 7 every day this week for various reasons (including my day off, ugh).

So dinner last night went surprisingly well. The pastor's wife had never tried sushi before, so it's always fun to talk people into trying new things. The conversation only reached awkward levels twice--once when they asked how we met, and once when asking if we were planning on staying with the church and about my contact information. The how we met thing is always an awkard situation because neither of us really know how to answer it. There is no tactful way to say "He was my dead fiance's best friend", really. We usually go for the "We were introduced by a mutual friend" option, but that usually prompts the "Oh, they must have just known that you guys were perfect for each other" reaction which, well, isn't true. Maybe in the grand cosmic scheme of things there is a possibility that Danny knew that he was going to die and knew that Evan and I should be together and introduced us to subconciously put that plan into effect...but I doubt it.

The "I used to date one of his friends" doesn't really work, either, as it kind of makes me sound like a friendship wrecking whore and makes him sound like someone who doesn't abide by the Friends Rule. But then, I'm sure there are people who would think poorly of me because of the situation, anyhow (in fact, I know there are--they've told me), so it really doesn't matter either way.

Thankfully, they knew a bit of the situation thanks to the grape vine, so it was only mildly awkward, but still, I really hate that damned question.

The other awkward moment revolved around my contact information, being that, because I only sign the "friendship pad" passed around every Sunday with my name and no other information, that's all they have for me. And there is a reason for that, but I wasn't exactly going to say that so bluntly. Evan mentioned that, well, we live together, so they could just use his info for me if it's really that important, which then promted our pastor's face to turn seven different shades of red as he tried to skirt the fine line between "friend" and "pastor" to explain that that wouldn't work due to the view of the church being that our living situation isn't really proper. He stammered around it for a while before I decided to save him by piping up the "Cos we're living in sin" idea, to which everyone laughed but, I mean, to them it's true, so why mince words? To this he said that the view of the church is that we should be married first, etc etc, so using that information really wouldn't work as it might cause some people to talk. Which is funny because...people know already as neither of us feel that it's anything that should be a secret. There was actually a rather amusing situation where someone called Evan to ask how they could get a hold of me and he said "Well, she lives with me, so she's right here, I'll give her the phone". I'm so used to people living together without being married that the idea of it being something so uncommon that it's not just assumed blows my mind.

So then, I might have made a mistake by admitting that I'm not actually Christian, so the whole "living in sin" thing doesn't really apply. JD asked what I was, to which I answered Unitarian and he seemed to accept that answer. I almost wished that I still practiced Paganism, just because I think the reaction would have been hilarious. But then, I'm kind of an asshole.

But all in all it was a pretty good night. We got ice cream after and talked about video games and the pastor's wife looked bored at the conversation and it ended rather well. I did find it interesting that JD directed all of his questions about us staying with the church to Evan, although that is to be expected seeing as how they think that the man should be "spiritual leader" of the family. It's still felt kind of weird to be excluded from the conversation that way. As much as I like the people who go to this church, and as much as I like the small, community atomsphere, I just cannot wrap my brain around their ideas as to how a family structure and decision making should be done. Ah well.

We ended up not going to his mom's but I still didn't get any writing done. I was utterly exhasted by the time we got home thanks to the fact that I haven't had an uninterrupted night's sleep in over a week. I'm wondering if this BC is messing with my brain, causing these damned nightmares. Whatever it is, I really hope that it gets done, soon, because I'm getting rather tired of waking up, gasping, every night. Blah.

So I guess we're going out for dinner, tonight, with the paster at our church and his wife. I honesly have no idea why. JD (the paster man) mentioned it to Evan a few months ago, and I agreed, hardly thinking that it was a serious offer. Turns out that it was, and we're going to be joining them for sushi when I get off of work. My idea as to why the invitaion was offered range anywhere from them wanting to ask Evan if he wants to become a member (he's been going for a few years now, and even has those personalized offering envelopes that they give to memebers, though he isn't one) to them finding out through the grape vine that I'm not Christian and/or that we're "living in sin" and this is all some kind of sneaky missionary thing. I'm pretty sure the latter is just my own neurotic insecurities talking (though the fact I don't take communion has been noticed and questioned by a few members of the congregation--I guess that happens when there's only 30 or so people at the church). Most likely he just wants to get to know everyone in the congregation and I know he does this thing where he prays for people/families individually, dedicating a week or so to each family, so that might have something to do with it.

I'm just worried that the converstation will end up going the direction of religion and I won't be able to keep my opinions quiet. It's been pointed out to me that I am very vocal in my facial expressions and body language--if I don't agree with something, I don't have to say anything to make my opinions known. I'm pretty sure this isn't a good quality--especially around a subject as touchy as religion. I do like everyone at this church, and am even planning on helping out with the vacation bible school this summer, so I'd hate to have my inability to keep my body language (of all things) in check to screw it up.

Ah well. I guess I'll just see how it goes. I'm kind of bummed because I was planning on finishing the story I was working on for prosechallenge tonight, but seeing as how we have this dinner and then I guess we're going to his mom's afterwards, I doubt that's going to happen. Ah well. It is kind of annoying in that I hate having plans switched around without getting to really have a say in it (the going to his mom's thing was just decided--I couldn't very well say no, as it's for a friend of his family's 80th birthday thing and it was nice of them to invite me). I knew I should have done it last night. Damn.

Oh look, lunch break's over. Time to get back to the pile of backwork that is stacked on my desk. I should never take a day off. Seriously. I spend the entire next day doing double the work and nothing really gets accomplished. I fear for the stack of boxes and paperwork that will exist when I get back from vacation. Oh man...thinking about that was a bad idea...

More drunk dials. This one from Rob feeling the need to let me know how much he truly respects me as a person, and really wanted me to know this because he feels that i think he doesn't care about me and deliberately blows me off, which isn't the case. "Honesty like that makes me grow a bit rubbery one" or something along those lines, to quote Fight Club about my feelings on that. He also made mention of wanting to get lunch or "whatever people do who aren't having sex', which I suppose means he's serious about wanting to keep me as a platonic friend, which, while I would love to continue our physical relationship, is nice to hear because I was a bit worried that he wanted to keep me as a "friend" for casual sex purposes. So hooray for the drunken honesty of Rob making me feel a bit better about our friendship.

I do find it highly amusing that I got two drunk dials in the course of a half hour. Ha.

At any rate naps suck because they make me not sleepy for when I should be sleeping. Like now, when I have to be up for class in six hours or so. Evil.

So Harry decided to answer my drunk dial last night by drunk dialing me tonight. I feel much better about the whole thing, now, specially as I didn't leave a message last night, just hung up. *whew*. Crisis averted. I'm still a bit embarrassed, but he doesn't hate me, so that's good. Haha. Still. Never drinking again. Until tomorrow. Heh.

Went out last night to the 'Lube with Evan and people from work. One of my coworkers' wife is about to have a baby any second, so the seemingly smartest thing to do is for him to get blasted and for us to toast the possibility of getting the phone call at that moment, or when he's hungover the next day. Drank....quite a bit. Really was like, one drink away from dancing on the bar, as I danced with pretty much everyone else, haha.

As it is, I woke up still drunk and then checked my phone as I am a notorious drunk dialer...and I drunk dialed Harry. Fuck. I texted him saying to disregard anything I might have said on a message, but now I'm afraid he hates me. Fuck. I have been mortified (on top of my hangover) for the entirety of the day. Ugh. He doesn't seem like the type of person who would find that amusing. I have no idea what to do now. Ugh.

I like that I opened my fridge and there was a Denny's turkey club in it that I don't remember in the least. It's like drunken magic.

Evan and I have decided to go to London/other places in Europe for spring break. I am excited. I now have to be cheap, though, so as to save enough money by March to go, but still. YAY! I am so excited.

Ugh. I suppose I should do my homework that I put off all evening. Damn sadistic professors, assigning homework the first week of class. Evil.

Another date with Harry last night. Things progressed to a bit of a physical level and, of course, I got all silly and awkward and 14 year old girlish because I am a super loser and cannot, for the life of me, let myself go in the bedroom. At least until I'm really comfy with someone, I suppose, but really...I dunno. I feel like a bit of a loser.

As it is, I guess he's driving back to Philly tonight and then coming back in a day or so because we have plans to go to the Improv Sunday night. Well, that's not why he's coming back--he has a meeting on Monday, but that's how I know he's coming back is cos we have plans. Or something. Do I sound this awkward in real life? Jesus.

Yesterday I discovered that eating before running two miles = good idea, as I almost passed out at the gym and ended up having to go home before doing any kind of weight training stuff because I was too weak to move. Whoops. I really cannot understand how I did the eating disorder thing in high school because sheesh. As it is, I must be doing something right with this whole exercising/eating better thing because I'm down to 113 from 121. Only three more lbs till I meet my goal. And I managed to actually run a mile before feeling my lungs start to collapse, forcing me to go back to a fast walk. Go me. I'm getting stronger, or something. Whatever it is I'm doing, it must be working/worth it because there was a few comments made last night about how I have a "nice body". Ha.

I want to go dancing. Like, real dancing. Like ballroom dancing. I want to wear a long red dress with a slit cut up the side and strappy heels and be spun around the dance floor. Anyone wanna take ballroom dancing lessons with me?